How to Discipline Your Children

The Wall Street Journal HEALTH & WELLNESS December 24, 2012, 12:23 p.m. ET Smarter Ways to Discipline Children Research Suggests Which Strategies Really Get Children to Behave; How Timeouts Can Work Better By ANDREA PETERSEN When it comes to disciplining her generally well-behaved kids, Heather Henderson has tried all the popular tricks. She's tried taking toys away. (Her boys, ages 4 and 6, never miss them.) She's tried calm explanations about why a particular behavior—like hitting your brother—is wrong. (It doesn't seem to sink in.) And she's tried timeouts. "The older one will scream and yell and bang on walls. He just loses it," says the 41-year-old stay-at-home mother in Syracuse, N.Y. Mike Right What can be more effective are techniques that psychologists often use with the most difficult kids, including children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and oppositional defiant disorder. Approaches, with names like "parent management training" and "parent-child interaction therapy," are backed up by hundreds of research studies and they work on typical kids, too. But while some of the approaches' components find their way into popular advice books, the tactics remain little known among the general public. The general strategy is this: Instead of just focusing on what happens when a child acts out, parents should first decide what behaviors they want to see in their kids (cleaning their room, getting ready for school on time, playing nicely with a sibling). Then they praise those behaviors when they see them. "You start praising them and it increases the frequency of good behavior," says Timothy Verduin, clinical assistant professor of child and adolescent psychiatry at the Child Study Center at NYU Langone Medical Center in New York. This sounds simple, but in real life can be tough. People's brains have a "negativity bias," says Alan E. Kazdin, a professor of psychology and child psychiatry at Yale University and director of the Yale Parenting Center. We pay more attention to when kids misbehave than when they act like angels. Dr. Kazdin recommends at least three or four instances of praise for good behavior for every timeout a kid gets. For young children, praise needs to be effusive and include a hug or some other physical affection, he says. image image Jason Greene for The Wall Street Journal Heather Henderson of Syracuse, N.Y., plays Legos with son Archer, 6. She has tried various tactics to discipline her sons but 'we're always at a loss.' According to parent management training, when a child does mess up, parents should use mild negative consequences (a short timeout or a verbal reprimand without shouting). Giving a child consequences runs counter to some popular advice that parents should only praise their kids. But reprimands and negative nonverbal responses like stern looks, timeouts and taking away privileges led to greater compliance by kids according to a review article published this month in the journal Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review. "There's a lot of fear around punishment out there," says Daniela J. Owen, a clinical psychologist at the San Francisco Bay area Center for Cognitive Therapy in Oakland, Calif. and the lead author of the study. "Children benefit from boundaries and limits." The study found that praise and positive nonverbal responses like hugs and rewards like ice cream or stickers, however, didn't lead to greater compliance in the short term. "If your child is cleaning up and he puts a block in the box and you say 'great job,' it doesn't mean the child is likely to put another block in the box," says Dr. Owen. But in the long run, regular praise does make a child more likely to comply, possibly because the consistent praise strengthens the parent-child relationship overall, Dr. Owen says. The article reviewed 41 studies looking at discipline strategies and child compliance. Parents who look for discipline guidance often find conflicting advice from the avalanche of books and mommy blogs and the growing number of so-called parent coaches. (In 2011, 3,520 parenting books were published or distributed in the U.S., up from 2,774 in 2007, according to Bowker Books In Print database.) "Many of the things that are recommended we know now to be wrong," says Dr. Kazdin, a leading expert on parent management training. "It is the equivalent of telling people to smoke a lot for their health." image image Jason Greene for The Wall Street Journal Heather and Jay Henderson with their two boys, Archer, 6, and Heath, 4, spend time together at their home in Syracuse, N.Y. Parents often torpedo their discipline efforts by giving vague, conditional commands and not giving kids enough time to comply with them, says Dr. Verduin, who practices parent-child interaction therapy. When crossing the street, "A bad command would be, 'be careful.' A good command would be 'hold my hand,' " he says. He also instructs parents to count to five to themselves after giving a child a directive, like, for example, "Put on your coat." "Most parents wait a second or two," he says, before making another command, which can easily devolve into yelling and threats. The techniques are applicable to all ages, but psychologists note that starting early is better. Once kids hit about 10 or 11, discipline gets a lot harder. "Parents don't have as much leverage" with tweens and teens, says Dr. Verduin. "Kids don't care as much what the parents think about them." Some parents try and reason with young children, which Dr. Kazdin says is bound to fail to change a kid's behavior. Reason doesn't change behavior, which is why stop-smoking messages don't usually work, Dr. Kazdin says. Overly harsh punishments also fail. "One of the side effects of punishment is noncompliance and aggression," he says. Spanking, in particular, has been linked to aggressive behavior in kids and anger problems and increased marital conflict later on in adulthood. Still, 26% of parents "often" or "sometimes" spank their 19-to-35-month-old children, according to a 2004 study in the journal Pediatrics, which analyzed survey data collected by the federal government from 2,068 parents of young children. At the Yale Parenting Center, psychologists have found that getting kids to "practice" temper tantrums can lessen their frequency and intensity. Dr. Kazdin recommends that parents have their kids "practice" once or twice a day. Gradually, ask the child to delete certain unwanted behaviors from the tantrum, like kicking or screaming. Then effusively praise those diluted tantrums. Soon, for most children, "the real tantrums start to change," he says. "From one to three weeks, they are kind of over." As for whining, Dr. Kazin recommends whining right along with your child. "It changes the stimulus. You will likely end up laughing," he says. Researchers noted that not every technique is effective for every child. Some parents find other creative solutions that work for their kids. Karen Pesapane has found yelling "pillow fight," when her two kids are arguing can put a halt to the bickering. "Their sour attitudes change almost immediately into silliness and I inevitably become their favorite target," said Ms. Pesapane, a 34-year-old from Silver Spring, Md., who works in fundraising for a nonprofit and has a daughter 10, and a son, 6. Dayna Even has found spending one hour a day fully focused on her 6-year-old son, Maximilian, means "he's less likely to act out, he's more likely to play independently and less likely to interrupt adults," says the 51-year-old writer and tutor in Kailua, Hawaii. Parents need to take a child's age into account. Benjamin Siegel, professor of pediatrics at the Boston University School of Medicine notes that it isn't until about age 3 that children can really start to understand and follow rules. Dr. Siegel is the chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics' committee that is currently reworking the organization's guidelines on discipline, last updated in 1998. Write to Andrea Petersen at andrea.petersen@wsj.com

Beware of Debt Settlement Companies

From the Washington Post Debt settlement is rarely a done deal By Michelle Singletary, Published: October 20 When I’m asked, “What do you think of debt settlement?,” I cringe. I gird myself for a frustrating discussion with desperate debtors looking for a quick fix to a problem they’ve spent years creating. They want to get rid of their debts as easily as baking a potato in the microwave. They want the phone calls to stop. They want the letters to stop. They need to get rid of the stress they are experiencing. And so they want to believe — need to trust — the advertising from debt-settlement companies that claim a significant reduction of debt for just pennies on the dollar. An online ad for one firm promises that “if you owe $30,000, you could resolve your debt in as little as 24 to 48 months.” The statement comes with a fine-print caveat saying that, including fees, clients still end up paying as much as 75 percent of what they owe. And there is no guarantee the program will work. There you have it. Nuking the majority of your debt away in short order is just a pipe dream for most people. Only about one in 10 consumers participating in debt-settlement programs actually ends up debt-free in the promised period of time, according to a consumer alert issued recently by the nonprofit National Association of Consumer Bankruptcy Attorneys. Debt-settlement companies promise to act on your behalf to negotiate with your creditors to reduce your debts. Typically, customers are told to stop paying their bills and instead send money to the debt-relief firm, which holds on to the money with the intention of offering creditors a lump-sum offer for less than what’s owed. “Bombarded with slick radio and Web advertising falsely promising a smooth road to being debt-free in a short period of time, these companies prey on the most desperate victims of the economic downturn,” said Ed Boltz, a North Carolina bankruptcy lawyer and incoming president of the consumer bankruptcy association. “These particularly vulnerable consumers usually end up getting sued, stuck with outrageous fees, more deeply in debt, and far worse off in terms of their credit score.” One of the biggest problems with debt-settlement programs is that they encourage consumers to default on their debts, Boltz said. Let’s look at two cases of failed debt-settlement plans, provided by the association. The people: A Florida couple with about $60,000 in credit card debt and a California retiree with $79,000 in bills. The program: The debt-settlement company told the Florida couple that they needed to pay $31,200, including the firm’s fees, to free themselves from their debt — a savings of $28,800. The firm took an upfront fee of $6,900 and started collecting monthly payments of first $460 and then $230. The couple couldn’t afford to keep up the payments and never got any debt settlement. A 77-year-old Californian said he was watching television and saw a commercial for a debt-settlement company claiming it could reduce his debt by 50 percent. The company began taking $1,800 a month out of his bank account. “As I started reading the contract, I realized I would have to pay 15 percent of the gross [debt] amount or close to $12,000 upfront out of the $1,800 before settling any debt,” the retiree said during a teleconference. He ended up paying the company $25,200. Not one of his debts was settled. Federal rules put in place two years ago aimed at reining in bad players in the industry now make it illegal for debt-relief services to charge upfront fees. Companies that sell their services over the telephone can’t get paid until they successfully settle or reduce a customer’s credit card or other unsecured debt. The companies have to make specific disclosures to potential customers — how long it will take to get results, how much the service will cost and the potential negative consequences that could result from seeking debt relief. The firms are also prohibited from misrepresenting what they can do for debtors, in particular the percentage of debt that is typically erased. The Federal Trade Commission recently charged an Ohio company and its owner with fraudulently claiming on 17 Web sites that consumers could quickly get out of debt if they used several debt-settlement companies to which they referred people. The company’s owner agreed to a $390,000 settlement. If you’re thinking about debt settlement, go to www.ftc.gov and search for “Debt Relief Services.” Read the advisory by the consumer bankruptcy association at www.nacba.org. The consumer alert may seem self-serving coming from bankruptcy attorneys, but the message is nonetheless important. A quick fix to get out of debt could end up causing you more financial pain and stress. Readers can write to Michelle Singletary at The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or singletarym@washpost.com. Personal responses may not be possible, and comments or questions may be used in a future column, with the writer’s name, unless otherwise requested. To read previous Color of Money columns, go to postbusiness.com.

Fall Clean Up

Fall Clean Up

How to get Free Stuff

From Yahoo We've explored the world of freebies a couple times on Financially Fit from free vacations, to free yoga, to free cell phones. And yes, there's more! Here's another round up of totally free offerings that can potentially help you save you thousands of dollars a year.

Free Media, Language Classes & Children's Events
What magical place houses all of the aforementioned freebies? The library, of course! When was the last time you visited yours? These days, the library has become the best destination for free content, but also free classes, ebooks, family events and WiFi. Likewise, your local YMCA or college may offer a variety of free classes to members.

Online Courses
"You can learn anything in the world online for free from the frivolous to the serious," says Jody Rholena, senior editor at Consumer Report's ShopSmart Mag. She recommends AcademicEarth.org if you want to tap into lectures from Ivy League professors on anything from art to architecture. There, you can even take courses for free. Meantime, if you want to learn every day fun skills like how to play charades to juggle, check out HowCast.com.

Free Pantry and Medicine Cabinet Goods
Retailers often give away free samples of their latest products, hoping you'll try it, love and buy it. Online freebie directories include ThunderFap, TotallyFreeStuff and AbsurdlyCool offer things like free floss, vitamins, coupons and from fee samples of medicine cabinet items, coupons and even some groceries. The catch is that you have to register with these sites and, at the least, provide your email address. "Getting the freebie here does come with some strings. You get the product; [retailers] get your information," says Rholena. Her advice: If you're signing up for any of these free product giveaways, set up a special email account to help keep all that information separate from your personal account. Also read through the company's privacy policy. "I know they're long but take a quick scan through there and just make sure that you're giving your information to a legitimate organization," she says.

Free Cosmetics
Walk into any Sephora store within 14 days of your birthday and receive a free gift - usually a sample size of the store's latest product -- when you show your Beauty Insider Card, which is Sephora's free rewards card.

Free Meals
Find free meal deals for the family at sites like HeyIt'sFree.net and if it's your birthday, check out EatFreeOnYourBirthday.com for a list of restaurants offering giveaways on your special day. For example, I learned that if I join the Birthday Club at Baskin Robbins, I can get a free 2.5 oz scoop of ice cream on my birthday. Parents note: some participating Chili's restaurants offer a "Kids Eat Free" promotion on Tuesday evenings with the purchase of one adult entrée, birthday or not!

Free Odds and Ends
For free household items such as used paint, furniture, TVs and maybe even kayaks, check out the neighborhood giveaway site Freecycle.org, where you can also post for free things you want. Score even more free household stuff by hosting a party for a sponsor. Sign up at HouseParty.com to receive a hosting package full of products, cooking tools and party decorations.

Swap for Freebies
Bookmooch.com is a great place to trade old books for new ones and maybe score free college text books.Swapstyle.com is a free fashion site where you can swap clothes and accessories with its growing community of 47,000 members.

From Yahoo We've explored the world of freebies a couple times on Financially Fit from free vacations, to free yoga, to free cell phones. And yes, there's more! Here's another round up of totally free offerings that can potentially help you save you thousands of dollars a year.

Free Media, Language Classes & Children's Events
What magical place houses all of the aforementioned freebies? The library, of course! When was the last time you visited yours? These days, the library has become the best destination for free content, but also free classes, ebooks, family events and WiFi. Likewise, your local YMCA or college may offer a variety of free classes to members.

Online Courses
"You can learn anything in the world online for free from the frivolous to the serious," says Jody Rholena, senior editor at Consumer Report's ShopSmart Mag. She recommends AcademicEarth.org if you want to tap into lectures from Ivy League professors on anything from art to architecture. There, you can even take courses for free. Meantime, if you want to learn every day fun skills like how to play charades to juggle, check out HowCast.com.

Free Pantry and Medicine Cabinet Goods
Retailers often give away free samples of their latest products, hoping you'll try it, love and buy it. Online freebie directories include ThunderFap, TotallyFreeStuff and AbsurdlyCool offer things like free floss, vitamins, coupons and from fee samples of medicine cabinet items, coupons and even some groceries. The catch is that you have to register with these sites and, at the least, provide your email address. "Getting the freebie here does come with some strings. You get the product; [retailers] get your information," says Rholena. Her advice: If you're signing up for any of these free product giveaways, set up a special email account to help keep all that information separate from your personal account. Also read through the company's privacy policy. "I know they're long but take a quick scan through there and just make sure that you're giving your information to a legitimate organization," she says.

Free Cosmetics
Walk into any Sephora store within 14 days of your birthday and receive a free gift - usually a sample size of the store's latest product -- when you show your Beauty Insider Card, which is Sephora's free rewards card.

Free Meals
Find free meal deals for the family at sites like HeyIt'sFree.net and if it's your birthday, check out EatFreeOnYourBirthday.com for a list of restaurants offering giveaways on your special day. For example, I learned that if I join the Birthday Club at Baskin Robbins, I can get a free 2.5 oz scoop of ice cream on my birthday. Parents note: some participating Chili's restaurants offer a "Kids Eat Free" promotion on Tuesday evenings with the purchase of one adult entrée, birthday or not!

Free Odds and Ends
For free household items such as used paint, furniture, TVs and maybe even kayaks, check out the neighborhood giveaway site Freecycle.org, where you can also post for free things you want. Score even more free household stuff by hosting a party for a sponsor. Sign up at HouseParty.com to receive a hosting package full of products, cooking tools and party decorations.

Swap for Freebies
Bookmooch.com is a great place to trade old books for new ones and maybe score free college text books.Swapstyle.com is a free fashion site where you can swap clothes and accessories with its growing community of 47,000 members.